...just in case, it's pretty funny!
To All My Democrat Friends: Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere . Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.
To My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
And I thought it was bad when my daughter "lifted" candy from the check-out at the grocery store!
(Hat tip Alois)
Saw this on a local "mommy" board, and it was too priceless NOT to share. You may have received it over e-mail already from someone (it's making the rounds), but just in case not, it's still worth a read.
For all the children of the 40s, 50s and 60s (and even early 70s, which I was), this is for all of us:
First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while
they were pregnant. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna
from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby
cribs covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we
rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took
hitchhiking.
As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, booster
seats, seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE
actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank koolaid made
with sugar, but we weren't overweight because .
WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING !
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down
the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the
bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no
150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's,
no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or chat rooms..........
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live
in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we
did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them!
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.
They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!
If YOU are one of them . . . CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as
kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our
lives for our own good .
And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how
brave (and lucky) their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?!
I sent that to my Dad, and this was his response:
Reflects my thoughts exactly. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all the satellites went down (no tv or cell phones), criminals who prey on children were summarily executed (so children could be safe without constant adult supervision), and there was a shortage of plastics, etc. used to make all the stupid indoor toys. Then kids could play and improvise again (although broom handles would all probably contain large warning labels that using them to hit balls could result in injury from flying glass if the ball were hit through a window).
My friend Peter sent this little missive from "Zarkman" in the hell-after.
I laughed so hard OJ came out my nose. Maybe you will too.
This is what I'd look like:
How about you?
[Thanks to Bruce at Massbackwards for the link!]
Well, it's hard to complain about these dolls.
In the wasteland that is today's action-figure/doll market at least these have something worthwhile to teach.
At least these guys are a foot tall. That precludes them from fitting in the back of the Barbie Camper (or upstairs at the Dream House), so no need to worry about them being forced into compromising positions with that slut by curious (and playful) little kids who own both!
"...can stay the Boston Parking Department from their appointed rounds."
Can you believe this? Ouch indeed!
The caption submitted with the photo was "Adding insult to injury!"
For more images of what "Global Warming" hath wrought, click here.
For those of you who want to learn Rummy-quan-do, but can't seem to find a dojo that teaches it, I've found a place where you can at least see the key fighting maneuvers in pictures.
Go nuts!
[Thanks Peter for the heads-up!]
Here was my score:
Thanks Peter for the heads-up! Just what I needed this weekend...Another reminder of how NOT YOUNG I am!
Those of you who've read this blog for a while might have noticed that I don't have anything nice to say about Hillary Clinton. I named my fibroid tumor after her during my pregnancy, and after I delivered my daughter and my calves swelled to five times their normal size from all the IV fluids so that they resembled Cuban cigars more than human flesh, I told friends that I had "Hillary calves."
So you can imagine my delight at finding The Miserable Failure Project.
Hilarious and (scary thought) TRUE!
Francis sent me a link to a funny piece of satire that (sadly) isn't.
Have a peek:
Why I am a Democrat
I sometimes hear the question, "Why are you a Democrat?" and frankly, I have to laugh. Laugh and laugh, because perhaps this person may tire of my laughing, and he will eventually wander off. Sometimes I ponder seriously when I hear this question, because I'll look around and around and there's nobody there asking the question. Why am I a Democrat?I am a Democrat because I believe everyone deserves a chance. And if necessary, a second chance. And if, by the eighth or ninth chance, this guy needs another chance, I mean, come on. This guy is due.
I am a Democrat because I believe in helping those in need. All of us, you and I, have an obligation to those less fortunate. You go first, okay? I'm a little short this week.
I am a Democrat because I believe in the equality of all people, regardless of their race. That is why I think we should give free medical degrees to minorities because, well, duh. Like any of those types are going to make it through medical school.
I am a Democrat because I fervently believe in tolerance. Tolerance is critical in our diverse society, and if you have a problem with that, mister, then I will inform the authorities and I bet that after a few hours in their "special room" you too will agree that tolerance is critical.
I am a Democrat because I believe that we should take our noses out of other people's bedrooms. I say we move the noses to their banks and storage sheds and scout troops, and so forth.
I am a Democrat because I hold sacred freedom of the press, as well as freedom of the TV and freedom of the movie. Where I draw the line is freedom of the talk radio, and don't even get me started about that damn Internet business.
Go read the whole thing. It's hilarious!
In these last few days (well, let's hope days and not weeks, shall we) before I become someone's mother, I've been trying to watch TV that makes me laugh (as opposed to the news, which generally makes me cry or throw breakables at the wall).
What this means, of course, is that I'm back to getting my daily dose of Simpsons on Fox at 7:30 p.m. How is it possible that I could ever forget (for even a moment) how hysterical (and brilliant) that show is?
Anyway, last night's episode was the one in which Sideshow Bob exacts his "revenge" against Bart for sending him to prison. Basically, Bob starts up a pen-pal relationship with Marge's sister Selma, pretends to fall in love with her (scary), and then marries her, all the while planning to kill her for her money and for the pain and suffering that would cause Bart and his family.
Well, as mirth-inspiring as this plot is, it's nothing compared with Sideshow Bob's words upon being foiled in his attempt to carry out his plan. As he's being dragged off to prison, he turns and yells (in that fabulous Kelsey Grammar Frasier voice of elitist superiority):
"I'll be back! You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever! And when they're back, I'll be back out on the streets with all my criminal cohorts!"
I just about fell off the sofa laughing!
Someone out there "gets" it...
A friend of mine is co-authoring a book, and she needs your help!
My best friend and I are writing a humor book on mothers-in-law. One of our chapters is a collection of mother-in-law stories from other women (and some men).We're looking for stories where your MIL drives you a little crazy, aggravates/annoys you a bit (nothing mean). The book pokes fun and lends support to others suffering from "the mother-in-law syndrome."
We use pseudonyms to protect the guilty. In you're interested, PLEASE INCLUDE YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION (name & address) with any submissions so that we can send you a release allowing us to use your story.
UPDATE: If you are interested in submitting a story, please visit the M.I.L.D.E.W. site.
-Diane
Sick and wrong as this may be, it's so damn funny!
So, if you're running out of ways to get the family gathered around for a night of good old fashioned board games, why not give Ghettopoly a try!
Coming soon: Redneckopoly and Thugopoly
Time to eat Marshmallow PEEPS!
If you prefer Peeps parodies (which are always fun):
Or, if you just want to make fun of some French people with too much time on their hands (also always fun):
The Marshmallow Portal [Note: NOT a site dedicated to the history of France, as one might expect]
[Via Bleeding Brain]
Clubbeaux has a hilarious list of the 21 Thinnest Books in the World.
My favorite is also #1:
MY BOOK OF MORALS - by Bill Clinton/with introduction by Jesse Jackson
If today's news--that, once again, Hans Blix has decided to sugarcoat the failure of the inspection process--was not a welcome surprise, here's a little something to cheer you up!
It made me laugh my ass off, that's for sure.
[Via the Emperor Misha]
Wow, it's been so long since I've done "Mad-Libs!" Who knew they could be this much fun! (Courtesy of Baloon Juice)
[Link via comments on Rachel Lucas]
Well, now we know where Susan and Alec get their info!
A friend just sent me a link to the Boston Globe's latest attempt to mock the President.
What you need to do is write a caption for this photo (my submission is shown below):
Voting for the best one begins at 2:00 PM EST, so get crackin'!
If you're like me (or Steve, you've probably received one or more of those African scam letters--You know the ones, where some guy writes claiming to be some rich royal exile who just needs a little help getting money out of his godforesaken country?
Well, Steve has decided to spam them back and damn is it funny!
Tim pointed me towards Dave Barry's blog and as if it wasn't good enough all by itself, there was a link to one of Dave's columns, this one about Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.
It is hysterical! Apparently, Barry got a bunch of hate mail about it, and his answer was the same as mine is for any of you who decide to waste your time defending the supposed "greatness" of this movie: GET A LIFE!
Frank has a suggestion for how to deal with North Korea:
The only way you can talk to these people is to do it the way Tony Soprano "talks" to people. Someone like Kim Jong Il is only going to do what's right if you make him think he's going to get ripped apart otherwise. South Korea should find their best thugs to "meet and greet" 'ole Jongy-boy. For starters, they should drag him to the nearest restroom and hold his head in the toilet for like twenty seconds.
South Korean Thug: "Now, Jongy, all this talk about nuclear weapons has sort of distressed us."
Kim Jong Il:"You can't do this to me! I'm... gurgle gurgle gurgle"
Thug: "Hey, this is a discussion. That means when I talk, you listen, Capisce? And, to make things easier for you, when it's your turn to talk, we'll tell you what to say. If you understand, stare at us like some goofball."
Jong:"Don't hurt me!"
Thug:"You ain't giving the orders here! What you are going to do now is go and disarm all your nukes, and then you're going to go comb your hair like a big boy. Otherwise, next time you see us, we're going to up our level of dialogue."
They should then rip the paper towel dispenser off the wall and beat him with it, sort of as a punctuation to their "talks." Finally, they can shout, "Stay out of a Brooklyn!" before heading out the door (they might want to replace "Brooklyn" with some South Korean place; I'm too lazy to look any up). Do it right, and that will be the last problem they have with North Korea, because even the craziest dictators tend to hate being beaten with things.
What's the invention Americans can't live without?
- Is it the car?
- Is it the computer?
- Is it the microwave?
It's none of these.
Obsessed as we are with sparkling white teeth and minty fresh breath, it's the lowly toothbrush!
While admitedly not the most reliable source of information I could find, the Weekly World News has an interesting list of ten ways to tell if your co-worker is an extraterrestrial, and I think it applies to so-called "activists" in Hollywood as well!
Check it out:
(OK, was I the only one to notice Jack Nicholson wearing sunglasses on stage at the Golden Globes? And what about Woody Harrelson, he wears them everywhere...Maybe it's NOT to hide the bloodshot eyes from all the pot he's smoking)
(I have two words for you: MICHAEL JACKSON)
(Didn't J Lo just come out with her own perfume?)
(Barbra Streisand anyone? The undisputed queen of e-mail, fax and web site propaganda!)
(Pick a name, any name, I'm gonna throw out Goldie Hawn, she doesn't even come close to looking human anymore)
(Raw Food Diet anyone?)
(Madonna, Eminem, Christina Aguilliera, Brittney Spears, need I go on?)
(Go ahead, watch Sean Penn's face when he finds out that he's the punch line of Saddam's latest--not even a twitch)
(Again, any of the female celebrities fits this bill, and this might explain why male stars are so into baggy pants and going topless)
Well, at least that explains everything! They're not stupid, they're actually trying to take over the world!
[ViaRight-Thinking and ScrappleFace]
Needs no further commentary from me:
Thanks to a few gentle words by singer Sheryl Crow, the Bush administration has decided that the United States will not have enemies. President Bush announced the decision in a Rose Garden speech this morning where he introduced ambassadors from Iraq, Iran and North Korea as "representatives of the axis of joy."
During a music awards ceremony last night, Ms. Crow said, "I think war is based in greed and there are huge karmic retributions that will follow. I think war is never the answer to solving any problems. The best way to solve problems is to not have enemies."
President Bush, concerned about the karmic consequences, said, "I didn't realize how simple it was--that we could just 'not have enemies'. All this time I was thinking we had to protect our citizens and the world from maniacal dictators with weapons of mass destruction. But all we really have to do is be close friends with Kim Jong Il and Saddam Hussein. I'm sure their people, who have lived for decades as virtual prisoners, will be excited about all the good karma we generate by helping to prop up those regimes."
The President invited Sheryl Crow to the White House next week for a "peace concert and love in."
[Via Country Store]
Someone pissing you off today? Everyday? Need to blow off a little steam right there at your desk without anyone knowing you've gone postal?
Well, look no further!
Happy shooting!
While catching up at the Country Store blog, I came across this humdinger of a post about LOTR, the Two Towers. Apparently John Yatt of the (no surprise here) Guardian is convinced that the Orcs are an expression of Tolkien's war-mongering racism.
Whaaaaa-thhhhhaaa?
To which NRO's Jonah Goldberg replies:
ÝSigh. Okay, yes, it's true. Many of the Orcs (and the super-Orcs) are dark-skinned and have slant-eyes. They are also ó how shall I put this? ó Orcs! Ya frickin' idjit!
One is tempted to ask who is the real racist here? On the one hand we have people ó like me ó who see horrific, flesh-eating, dull-witted creatures with jagged feral teeth, venomous mouths, pointed devilish ears, and reptilian skin, and say, "Cool, Orcs!" On the other hand we have people, like Mr. Yatt, who see the same repugnant creatures and righteously exclaim "black people!" Maybe he should spend less time vetting movies for signs of racism and more time vetting himself if, that is, he free-associates black people with these subhuman monsters.
I laughed, I cried, I give this post two thumbs up!
Mike at Cold Fury posted a great summary of what the left would like us to have learned this past year.
Be sure to read the list at the link above, and its predecessor, Recap.
Looks like he was paying attention in class. Better go study up, you never know when their next pop-quiz might be!
Here are some of my favorites:
Go read the rest, they're fun and edumacational!
There are many things that make discovering a new blog fun and enlightening, but nothing tops finding a link to Flatulence Deodorizer products, otherwise known as "Flat-D."
Seriously, I could NOT have made this stuff up if I tried.
Thanks to Little Tiny Lies for this wonderful find.
Mind you, there are many other good reasons to read LTL, but this is a great start.
Well, the Symposium has met, and the results of their predictions for 2003 are in.
My favorite? Here it is:
David Frum
I won't impress any NRO readers by predicting that the U.S. will take military action in Iraq in 2003 or that such action will be swiftly successful. So let me try some more audacious ones. We will see none of the threatened consequences of the war ó the price of oil won't spike, the Arab street won't rise, and anti-American sentiment in the Middle East won't be inflamed. Instead, Americans and liberated Iraqis working together will stun the world by bringing the nation's sabotaged oilfields rapidly back into production. By year-end, the price of a barrel of oil will fall below $20 ó good news for the stock market, bad news for the House of Saud. Expect that House to reorient itself in a pro-Western direction with dazzling speed. "Gee it turns out we do have all kinds of interesting intelligence information ó here please help yourselves. Did we call you sons of pigs and apes? We meant generous, forgiving sons of pigs and apes." By summer, though, that "At War" logo is going to have to come off NRO ó because Iranian revolution or no Iranian revolution, from then on, all you are going to hear from the Bush administration will be domestic, domestic, domestic policy.
Michele shared these hilarious politically correct versions of our favorite Christmas songs:
Ladies and Gentlemen, the P.C. apologists have taken over the world. I fear the time has come when we must alter every "holiday" song to please and pacify the politically correct so we do not enrage, offend, demean or omit any person, race, creed, color, religion, species, subculture, nation, organization or plant life.
Hence, the new, improved holiday songs, with title and/or lyrics appropriately changed or subtitles added.
* I'm Dreaming of Many-Hued Winter Season
* Rudolph, the Reindeer with the Facial Appendage of a Different Color
* Oh, Come all ye Faithful, Agnostics and Atheists
* Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer (but it was Grandma's fault for being in the space set aside for woodland creatures to run free without interference from human beings)
* Frost the Snowperson of An Indistinguishable Gender
* Joy to the *World (*The word world includes all nations, including Iraq, North Korea and Iran)
* I Saw My Parent/Step Parent/Guardian/Caretaker Kissing Santa Claus
* We Wish You a Merry December (and a happy new calendar page for those that observe the years according to other religions or cultures)
* I'm Getting Nothin' for Christmas (because my parents think the holiday is overcommercialized and co-opted from pagans and only capitalist pigs buy presents)
* Little Drummer Person
* It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Buy-Nothing Day
* You Must Have Had a Terrible Childhood, Mr. Grinch
* Supreme Being of Your Choice Rest Ye Merry Gentlepeople
* Oh, Christmas Tree (we will guard you from the lumber industry)
* Up on the House/Apartment/Cardboard box Top
* All I Want For Christmas is My Two Front Teeth (but because we don't have nationalized health care for everyone, my parents can't afford dental coverage)
Let it Snow (but it won't because of global warming)
Have yourselves a merry little seasonal day of enjoyment!
When it's to perpetrate a hoax like Joe Millionaire, a new show airing in January on Fox TV.
Unlike the Bachelor, this is a show I can support! You take a guy making $19,000/year and dress him up fancy and tell a bunch of vain, vapid, catty women that he actually is worth $50M. Well I don't know about you, but I've got boxes of popcorn and a comfortable chair all ready for this crap!
My attitude is anyone who thinks they can find true love on television deserves whatever she gets!
They push creative people with too much time on their hands to create hilarity for me to post.
I thought I'd had enough of this Trent Lott mess, but oh, how wrong I was!
This hilarious post brought to you byright-thinking from the left coast, brought to my attention by Brian's new site, wondersquirrel.net.
Thanks Brian!
I know today is that most ominous of days, but what else could possibly go wrong this week? Let's take a look at what we've had on the not-bad-luck days so far shall we?
for this... Apparently Napoleon Cole saw a group of peacenik protestors leaving a rally in Seattle and decided to mess with their heads. The results are too funny!
Got this from the WSJ Opinion Journal by way of Common Sense and Wonder. It is an excerpt from Cole's piece entitled:
'Kill Kurds, Not Mumia'
Having fun at Seattle peaceniks' expense.
BY NAPOLEON COLE
Monday, December 9, 2002 12:01 a.m. EST
"Hey comrades! Did I miss the protest?"
"Yeah man, it was killer."
"Ah shucks. Hey! Do you know of any other pro-Saddam things going on today?"
The group responds that this is not about being pro-Saddam, it's an antiwar thing.
"Oh. Well. Do you know where any other anti-Iraqi freedom things are going on? Or just anti-Arab democracy. I want to join in the movement."
They let me know that I've missed the point of the protest; I continue riding aside them.
"Well it's all a means to an end, right? I mean"--I pass a nudge at them--"I mean, we're all white here, lets be honest. We can't let colored people democratize. So where can I get hooked in with the crowd? I want to end all hope for democracy in the Arab world! What e-mail list are you guys on?"
Two or three of them have by now figured that I am making fun of them. But the others are lost. They respond that "only part of the movement" is interested in what I'm talking about, and they're not into that stuff. They just don't want war.
"Huh. I guess I don't understand. Why are you guys against war then? Are you guys the pro-oil-cartel-price-fixing types? 'Stability' and all that? I figured the movement was heading towards more of a pro-dictator, anti-Jewish thing. That's what I came out for."
The leader of the pack tells me, in unprintable language, that I can buzz off now. He lets me know that I'm not funny--which the rest of the group echoes, especially the ones who were with me until the end.
We both spot another protester group on the other side of the street. I raise my fist closed, and shout from our side of the street, "No war! White power!"
I hear the two groups talking back and forth as I speed off. (Speed isn't really the word--25 miles an hour.)
This is an excellent list of qualifiers that help you understand exactly what it means to be an idiotarian.
For the creation and full etymology of the term--a term I love and will be using a lot--I must gratefully acknowledge:
File this under the heading Things We Shouldn't Laugh At But Do Anyway.
This is what happens when sleep deprivation kicks in folks.
Too funny! ColbyCosh.com has a theory that's worth looking into:
"The real embarrassment, of course, is for those who claim there is No Such Thing As Liberal Media Bias. Could the Times campaign against Augusta National be a tacit conspiracy to derail Al Gore's renomination campaign? Just as Gore is trying to make headlines claiming that conservatives dominate the U.S. media, this story--in which Pulitzer-winning columnists at the Paper of Record are getting their work rammed onto the spike for arguing in favour of old-fashioned American freedom of association--rears its head. You've got to wonder if they're deliberately trying to make him look like a fool."
Of course it goes without saying that he needs no extra help to look like a fool, but nevertheless, if it were true, I might forgive the rag and read something other than Safire.
Might help the taste of his own medicine go down for this King of all Spammers.
Kudos to slashdot.org for finally sticking it to Ralsky!
Karma man, it's a bitch!
Well, it's official. If I ever get a job again in my chosen field (IA), I will be in the right place. Here's what I got when I took the polygeek quiz at Thudfactor (Grats to squeezle.net):
| You are 41% geek | |
 | You are a geek liaison, which means you go both ways. You can hang out with normal people or you can hang out with geeks which means you often have geeks as friends and/or have a job where you have to mediate between geeks and normal people. This is an important role and one of which you should be proud. In fact, you can make a good deal of money as a translator.
Normal: Tell our geek we need him to work this weekend. |
Who knew that you too could do something to stop the threat of terror right in the comfort of your very own home!
Makes a great stocking stuffer!
I couldn't resist! With turkey day just around the corner--er, tomorrow at this point--I had to share the Gobbler with you. This truly is the ugliest 'Turkey' I've ever seen, and yes, I have seen it. Worse than that, I've stayed there and it is just another one of the things that makes Wisconsin a state even Arkansas can laugh at from time to time.
Enjoy!
