Can I just say how glad I am that I no longer live in the frigid north? My poor buddy Alois is freezing his butt off up there (in spite of Al Gore's Global "Warming") and it's all I can do to function with the dry skin I've got from the dry cold down here in NC.
I have a whole new appreciation for why they pull fingernails off prisoners as a form of "torture." I have a scar on my thumb that prevents my nail there from growing in properly, and whenever it breaks off at the quick (which it sometimes does with all the handy/crafty shit I do like sewing/baking/painting whole rooms for the heck of it...) it takes forever to grow back enough to cover the corners that ALWAYS crack open.
If you're not familiar with cracked fingers--especially that opposable thumb you probably take for granted--trust me, you are one lucky bastard! It is the worst. Try pressing car seat straps in when the tip of your thumb is cracked open...Or how about changing a cloth diaper with Velcro closures? And then there's the ever-popular opening of a flip-top can of soup or fruit which gives you the double-torture of pressure AND acid sting!
If you think this is trivial, trust me, it' not. When you're a mom with three kids, two of whom spend their days in the germ-infested world of preschool, one of whom is potty-training, and one of whom is still full-on in diapers, washing your hands becomes somewhat of an obsession. My husband has suggested gloves, but seriously? Do I want to feel like the counter people at Subway all day? And did you know those gloves dry your skin out TOO? Yeah, it's true. Then there's the waste of having to throw them out after touching yucky stuff because really they don't wash off very well, you almost always get water underneath them and that's a whole new brand of irritation (eek).
Yeah, so if I had this AND bone-chilling cold to deal with, I would not be too functional. That would be a major problem because you see, I'm figuring out (and it only took 7 months, woo hoo!) that having three kids is really NOT as easy as people said lied that it would be! All our friends and relatives with three said "Oh yeah, it's easier than going from one to two, trrrrrrrrust us!" Lying liars they were! OK, so it's not "hard" in the sense that you have a clue this time, not just about having kids period, but about having more than one kid--you know, multi-tasking, divide-and-conquer, that sort of stuff--but it is way harder in terms of the fact that human beings are not insects, we only have TWO ARMS. What that means is, for the next couple of years at least, there will be times (too many to count per day in fact) where I will be trying to get through my day without hands anyway, cracked or silky soft! Ever bathe another human being with one hand? How about TWO human beings who aren't remotely interested in cooperating with your efforts? Now try it with a 17 pound squirming sometimes crying infant in your other arm.
Get the picture?
Here's another one (my favorite really). Picture the same squirming infant (crying or not, it hardly matters) in one arm while you attempt to have a vital phone conversation about your power being out while making lunch for yourself with one hand (and you're really hungry). And people wonder why new moms have trouble losing weight? Do you know how much easier it would be for me to just grab a fistful of this and a fistful of that with that one hand? Yeah yeah, I know I'm supposed to have "this and that" be pre-cut veggies and healthy cheese cubes and shit right? OK, and when does THAT get done exactly? At night? Oh, you mean in between "Maaaaaaahmeeeeee, I have to go PEEEEEE!" or the ever popular "Maaaaaahmeeee, she's kicking me/taking my lovey/coming in my bed/BAAAAAHTHURING MEEEEEE!"
Good thing I have to go up and down stairs to deal with this crap because otherwise I really would be a lardass by now!
Lest you think I'm complaining, I'm not. I'm just saying that I suddenly have this whole new appreciation for things I used to roll my eyes at even with two children! I used to think nothing could keep me from vacuuming and cleaning bathrooms weekly, I mean come on, those are the bare minimum to keeping a clean house right? HA! Add a third child and you have a choice: never sleep, or sleep in a messy house, or I suppose you could give up eating or bathing or keeping up with current events or some other thing you like to do, it's all about priorities. But the point is, I used to think there were few excuses for not being able to do it ALL, especially for a stay-at-home-mom.
Now I know, there were probably excuses before, I just wouldn't let myself make them, so intent was I on over-achieving and not letting kids change my life THAT much (sure, let them change my heart and soul forever, but dammit, my counters would be clutter-free and my bathrooms sanitized).
So I guess what I'm trying to say is, when you see a woman (or man for that matter) with three kids in tow, and one is screaming and another is pouting and one is just trying to run away, don't think "What's WRONG with that woman? Can't she control her kids?" And for the love of all that is holy, do NOT say "Bless your heart" to her when what you really mean is "Honey, why don't you just GO HOME" and think instead: "WOW! She actually left the HOUSE? You GO GIRL!!"
Then remind yourself that this woman--if her kids are small--probably spends her days with people whose idea of stimulating discourse is as follows:
Daughter: "Mama? You know what happened today when I was picking my nose behind the bookcase at preschool?"
Me: (shocked and appalled that sweet little pink-loving girl picks her nose period, never mind wants to DISCUSS IT) "Uh, NO, but why were you picking your nose in the first place? I told you to use a Kleenex!"
Daughter: "I know, I know Mama, but I was SOOO hungry in that moment that I went digging for gold..."
Me: (struggling not to laugh and/or spit water out my nose)
Daughter: "Well, I musta dug too hard because I found blood instead."
What's the matter? Doesn't that sound like fun to you? No?
Now add cracked fingers on top of it all....Hey, maybe that's the answer! Maybe instead of things like waterboarding and pulling fingernails, we should opt for forcing terrorists to listen to our kids for a few hours, or maybe we should send them on a shopping excursion with three kids under the age of 6, after feeding them all the sugar they can eat and making them miss nap?
It's brilliant isn't it? Hey, if I had the option to avoid that if I coughed up a few details about a dirty bomb or a hijacking plot, you bet I would, in a red-hot second I would!
Posted by insomnomaniac at January 15, 2009 2:37 PM | TrackBack