OK, everyone else does it on Oprah, why can't I do it here?
I have some shit to get off my chest--some "guilt" that has been eating away at me, and some "issues" (no one has problems anymore after all) I need help resolving. Maybe some of you can help?
Confessions...
- I let my child watch too much TV. Yes, it's true. I said I'd never let her watch before the age of 3--studies showing how damaging it is to tiny forming minds and all--but I can't help myself. Nursing a new infant and having a husband with (still--the move didn't change a thing in this department) who works insane amounts, leaves me exhausted and unimaginative. She's very good at entertaining herself 90% of the time, but there's those two hours before supper but after nap that confound me. When the weather is nice, I try to take her outside, but until it stays light later, it's a lot of work for not a lot of time. We have no yard and so we end up playing inside. When that gets too crazy, or when I need to prepare dinner, clean up after the day, do some laundry or nurse the baby, I end up plopping her in front of DVR'd Blue's Clues and Sesame Street. I rationalize that it's "educational' and has no commercials, but who am I kidding? It's still crap, still passive, still not what I should be doing with her.
- I say I have "no time" to exercise, but the truth is I choose to do other things besides exercising. In this case, CLEAN. I'm addicted to a clean house. For some reason, I can't give in to the idea of "lowering my standards" now that I have kids so I can take some time for myself. I just can't! When the house is cluttered and dirty, I feel depressed--literally. What's the point of having more time for myself if I have to spend it in filth and clutter? When I go to other people's homes--people who have no trouble making this trade-off--I'm both jealous and disgusted at the same time. I'm jealous that it's so OK with them, and disgusted because I don't really want to be there long because there's no where to sit (that doesn't have to be cleared of toys and food first) and it smells of feet, dirty laundry and garbage that needs to be taken out. I can't find the middle ground, the place where I let things go just enough to have an hour a day for myself. I've tried, and all I end up doing is staying up later to do that which I put aside in the first place. This leads to my next "issue..."
- I don't get enough sleep. Wait, correction, I get almost NONE. On average, I sleep for one hours at a time, if I'm lucky three times per night (between 10 and 6 a.m.). In between I'm nursing, changing diapers, washing my hands and trying to get my baby and myself back to sleep--not an easy task on either end. I look like hell, and I'm left with not enough energy to work out even if the time pops up unexpectedly (like hubby comes home early for a change and says "Hey, I'll watch the baby, go walk on the treadmill!" Yeah, I know what you're thinking: "You have a treadmill and you STILL don't make the time? You are a loser!" I know it, I know it). Even when my baby does sleep for longer stretches (which does happen from time to time), I wake up automatically after a couple of hours leaking all over myself or in pain or just from habit. And when I have the chance to go to sleep earlier, I can't because I'm a night owl by nature (hence the name of this blog) and feel deprived of what little "me" time I have if I spend it sleeping. Yeah, only a woman would say this, but there you have it. Besides, when do you think I'm doing all this CLEANING? :-)
Issues...
- I spend too much (apparently) on groceries. I literally have NO IDEA how people can feed their families for a month on less than I spend, but I know it happens all the time. I think the problem is I want to eat very healthy. I try to buy organic dairy, meat, produce, juice and cereals. I can't stand the idea of pumping my kids full of high fructose corn syrup and trans fats, never mind hormones and preservatives. But it seems that all the "frugal" recipes and shopping lists I have found online are for meals like "Cheesy ham noodle bake" and include ingredients like Velveeta--stuff you can buy for a buck a metric ton. Shit, organic milk is $2 more per gallon than regular, and that does add up, believe me. Am I missing something? Is there a way to eat/cook these days that doesn't leave me eating chicken thighs and ground chuck, or doesn't require me to buy meat in bulk at Costco and keep it in an extra freezer in my garage (an item I do not have)? What I'm saying is, I think I "know" easy ways to save money at the grocery store or Costco, but I can't seem to reconcile these with my chosen lifestyle. Is there a middle ground here?
- I can't seem to prioritize "discretionary spending." I'm as bad as the damn government! I really really want to go on a weekend trip with my family for my 40th birthday (coming up in April--you are forewarned, if I get surly between now and then, that's why), but I also really want to keep having a mother's helper around a few hours a week and I want to buy some clothes that aren't maternity but actually fit my fat lard-ass. I can't have it all. Shit, I can't have more than one of those things at a time. And as anyone who's ever had childcare in the home knows, if you give up your babysitter for a while, you lose her--period. I've already lost two since I've been here, I'm loathe to do that again.
OK, suggest, flame, mock away!
Posted by insomnomaniac at February 3, 2006 2:24 PM | TrackBack