insomnomaniac

Ripping off the bandaid

There's no "easy" way to do this--kind of like ripping off a bandaid I guess, just do it fast and get it over with--so here goes:
I have converted to Christianity

There. I've said it. Let the flaming begin.

I can see it now--some people will say that this is proof the South is ruled by holy-rollers who suck you in and "brainwash" you.

Others will just sit and scratch their heads and wonder if I'm a flake.

Still others (my Jewish friends and readers) may think I've abandoned my heritage or am ashamed of it or something.

All will be wrong.

However, if you don't belong to any of these groups and want to know what motivated me to get baptised (and to have my daughter baptised as well), read on...

It's not something I talk about much, but I have been searching for a spiritual "home" for years. As most of my regular readers know, I've always been extremely loyal to the State of Israel and the Zionist cause, and have staunchly defended both at every turn. As such, it has probably seemed like I was a devoted M.O.T. who would never consider converting.

But here's the thing: Zionism and pride of heritage (cultural in particular) do not a faith make. In fact, some of the most staunch Zionists around are fundamentalist Christians!

No, I haven't become a fundamentalist either, I've joined the Presbyterian Church, and no, it's not as "sudden" as it may seem.

Since college I've questioned my "faith," wanted something more than what I found in the Jewish houses of worship I attended. What do I mean "more?" Well, I guess something more than "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you; The rest is commentary."

I realize I'm oversimplifying, but that's how it seemed to me. I'd go to temple and I'd hear that someday a messiah would come, but when He did everything would be perfect and that's how we know He hasn't come yet. I'd also hear that there is no heaven or hell, no afterlife really and that when we die we become dust and that's pretty much it. I didn't believe any of this, but I didn't equat this with being Christian, just with having trouble with Judaism.

Then my step-mother died and she asked a pastor and a rabbi to visit her in her last hours. She asked both what was going to happen to her, and the answers they each gave were telling. The pastor said she would go to heaven because she'd lived a good and decent life and had been a good person. He was sure of this and she seemed to perk up a bit. The rabbi said she would become one with the Earth and her afterlife would be the memories she'd leave behind. She cried for hours after the rabbi left.

Not that you look to religion for solace in your darkest hours and that's all, but this whole thing disturbed me. I BELIEVED what the pastor said and didn't BELIEVE what the rabbi said. I just didn't. I had been present when my grandfather died, and I swear I felt him "leave" the room. I didn't "see" him do it in the literal sense, but I felt it so keenly there was no denying for me that it happened. His "spirit" if you will left his body and went somewhere else. I have no idea where, I'm probably not intelligent enough to imagine the place accurately, but it wasn't in his body waiting to rot, that's for sure, and it wasn't trapped in my memories alone waiting to be distorted or forgotten or to die with me either. That's what I felt and believed, and when I heard the two versions of what would happen, I believed what the pastor said without question, and thought the rabbi was nuts.

So that made me wonder (and I continued to wonder for the past seven years since she died), if I didn't agree with the rabbi, but did agree with the pastor, did that mean that I wasn't "Jewish" in the religious sense? People tell you being Jewish is something you always are, and that's fine--culturally and biologically I suppose--but spiritually? How limiting is THAT?

Then I married a Catholic with a family who had anti-semitic leanings and I found myself abandoning my "quest" for a better spiritual definition of myself and clinging instead to my "Jewishness" out of some kind of loyalty--loyalty to family, to heritage, to Israel, you name it, I felt it was my "duty" to not only assert my Jewish identity (such as it was with me celebrating Christmas every year), but to raise my kids Jewish too.

We had Emma named in the Temple. We even tried going to Temple as a family, and my husband was very supportive because he had become estranged from the Catholic Church in the wake of the scandals and because he didn't like the notion that priests couldn't marry but could dole out marital and child-rearing advice. But I never really felt "at home" at Temple.

For starters, politically I was totally out of place. Now before I explain, don't get your undies all in a bunch that religion and politics shouldn't mix, because the reality of life is THEY DO, get over it. Anyone who's Jewish AND conservative can attest to the FACT that they are the minority in the Jewish community. This is true even in the so-called "conservative" version of the faith, but moreso in the "reform" version which is the one I'd subscribe to because there's no way I'd wear a wig, walk to services on Saturdy or eschew bacon cheeseburgers. In "reform" Judaism, it's pretty much "assumed" that you're a Democrat and card-carrying-member of the ACLU, and to admit otherwise is to admit something as shameful as kneeling before the cross itself.

As such, I found few "friends" at Temple, and when you add this to the fact that I didn't find much that was spiritually fulfilling about going, I started going less and less and so did my family as a result. My daughter was going to grow up without a faith at all if I didn't get on the stick and figure out where I stood, and soon, so I used the occasion of our move to ponder it.

Why now? Well, let's just say there were "signs" pushing me to do it. For starters, we wanted to make sure we wouldn't be out of place being Jewish but living in Charlotte. I did my research (partly on this blog) and found that was a silly worry. Then I looked into the JCC and associated Temples, and found that culturally, philosophically and spiritually, they were not where I wanted to be--no different than the community I left in Boston really. Very nice, to be sure, but just not "me."

Then they had no room in their VERY EXPENSIVE preschool for Emma and I had to look elsewhere out of necessity. Through a series of fortuitous events, I found her a spot at the local Presbyterian Church's preschool, and she (and we) felt instantly at home with the Director, the other parents, the kids, the environment--the whole thing just "clicked" for us. The values they were teaching her precisely matched what we wanted her to learn, and they had one spot left. To me, this was a sign that I was supposed to look into things more deeply.

Some of you are laughing at me now I'm sure, but I find God and signs in the smallest places. No need to part the Red Sea for me, just put a song on the radio with just the right lyrics at just the right time, or open up a spot in preschool just when I need it, and I'm gonna credit the creator and/or one of His crew, that's just how I am.

Another factor feeding my curiosity was the distance now between me and my in-laws (and their prejudice and the whole us/them mentality of the Northeast in general). All of a sudden, I found myself as free to be whatever I wanted as I've ever been--new place, new people, clean slate, etc...And oddly enough, I didn't feel the need to assert anything in particular other than what I truly believe at all times. This may sound strange, but I realized I was clinging to my Jewishness for the wrong reasons, out of defensiveness and that's all.

Then I started taking inventory of what I did believe:
- Believe in God
- Believe in Heaven (hell is right here on Earth in my opinion, if you create it that way)
- Believe 100% that "freedom" as we know it (the democratic kind) is absolutely linked (historically) with Christianity, in particular in this country--I believe this so strongly that I also believe the reason (the #1 reason in fact) that Jews are so successful and powerful here is that this is a "Christian" country!

Then I started to THINK about what these beliefs really meant, and I realized something astounding: If I believed that freedom and Christianity are inextricably linked, then by default I DO believe that Jesus is the savior of mankind! Who else??? This is especially true if I don't believe that the Messianic promise was of instant perfection (followed by the end of the Earth as we know it). If, instead, I believe that the "savior" was supposed to "teach" us how to redeem ourselves in this life so that we might have a next life, then Jesus IS that savior. Because of His teachings, mankind has attempted to meet the lofty goal of forgiving ENEMIES as well as friends. What else could possibly end wars, poverty and hunger? Nothing I know of anyway.

Just because so many ignore these teachings doesn't mean they aren't THE way to salvation (the only way in fact). Just because there are those who mock and deride people who believe in Christ (and/or any religion for that matter) does not mean that He "failed." That's the point of "faith," isn't it? For every one of us who DO believe and who DO try to live better lives, the world is a little bit better, isn't it? If we all gave up because we were waiting for perfection, there would be nothing worth "saving" anyway, and considering that this is pretty much the state of affairs that Jesus found when he came along the first time, it's pretty compelling evidence of God's love for mankind that He tried to "save" us at all!

I'm probably not making sense anymore, and I'm sure there are those who still think I'm nuts. I can hear it now:
"What about the virgin birth?"
"What about rising from the dead? Do you believe all that too??"

These are typical questions from Jews who hear that you've converted, even those who aren't religious just can't fathom belief in these things if you haven't been brought up believing in them.

Here are my answers:
The bible was written by men, in aramaic mostly, and the translation of "a young woman" is ambigious. It could mean "virgin" it could just mean "young woman." I choose to believe it means "young woman," and I further choose to believe that it needn't have been a virgin birth to have been holy. All I need to know is that a young woman betrothed to a man who was NOT the father of her unborn child SURVIVED to not only have that child, but the child survived as well. In that day and age, both were unlikely. Mary would likely have been stoned to death and/or her child cast on the dung heap to die upon birth. In either case, the fact that both of them survived is a miracle in itself and all the miracle I need to believe that Jesus was blessed.

As for rising from the dead, call me crazy, but I believe that those who say they "saw" or "heard" him really did, whether the crypt was empty or not is irrelevant to me. Even if it was grave robbers, who cares? I felt my grandfather because he was such a powerful force in my life, perhaps they "felt" their teacher the same way. Who am I to decide otherwise 2000+ years hence? Why should we believe that God gave Moses the 10 commandments, parted the Red Sea and killed the firstborn of Egypt, but NOT that Jesus spoke to Mary Magdalene after he died? Ponder that one and get back to me if you still think I'm nuts for believing what I believe.

So the bottom line is, once I realized what I truly believed, it was obvious that my spiritual home was in a CHURCH, not a synagogue. This is not to say that I in ANY WAY shun my Jewishness or that of my friends or extended family. I am proud of my heritage, I make no apology for it and I still defend the State of Israel and the Jewish people against persecution. Conversion is not "denial" for me at all, and my children will know and be taught what they are and where they come from too.

But knowing where you come from is not the same thing as knowing where you're going. That's the beauty of a free society isn't it? My family CAN choose what to believe and how to demonstrate those beliefs. We choose to attend Presbyterian Church in particular because we like the structure and governance of the Church (mirrors that our our own government, lots of lay participation and oversight, no one central "Leader" dictating beliefs or dogma), we agree with the values it teaches (thrift, service to each other and to God, humility and no need for an intermediary to talk to God) and we feel (here I go again) politically "at home" as well.

This is not to say that everyone we've met there is politically conservative, not at all. What it is saying is that there isn't distinct PRESSURE to NOT be (as there was in every temple I've been to since I was a child). When I say I feel politically unthreatened, I mean that I can teach my kids traditional manners and discipline, I can vote my conscience and give charitably when and where I see fit without my spiritual community making me feel "bad" about my choices. If you're a conservative-leaning Jew, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. If you're not, suffice it to say I'm happy that the sanctuary where I go to pray doesn't feel like a town-hall meeting where God and other spiritual matters aren't on the agenda.

Well there it is. I've explained what's impossible to really explain as best I can. We are happy in our decision--very happy in fact--and even my father supports what we've done (and interestingly says he's a little jealous that we've found a spiritual home, he's still searching for one at the age of 71).

I sincerely hope I haven't offended anyone, or made any of my Jewish friends feel judged--that's not my intention AT ALL. I just didn't feel what I needed to feel and didn't believe what I needed to believe to continue living the way I was living, so I did what I needed to do to change that. End of story.

Posted by insomnomaniac at December 30, 2005 6:57 PM