insomnomaniac

Clothing no pregnant woman should wear

Of course I'm talking about garments made out of corduroy. In fact, the only corduroy a pregnant woman should be thinking about is the teddy bear by the same name who wanders around a department store searching for his missing button in the children's book by the same name. She can read it to her offspring while she waits for her body to return to corduroy-worthy shape.

What makes me think of corduroy on this fine July day? It's a fall/winter textile, isn't it? Why yes, it is! But as every red-blooded American consumer knows full-well, fall/winter clothing comes out in the red-hot-middle of summer. The thing that was a surprise to me is that retailers like the Gap have decided that corduroy is the new denim, for pregnant women as well as everyone else.

OK folks, let's get something straight...Unless you are Sarah Jessica Parker, or Catherine Zeta Jones, and you have a private pilates or yoga instructor working with you from before you miss your period until five minutes before they slip that epidural needle in your taut, perfectly tanned, dimple-free lower back, you're lucky if your naked thighs don't catch fire from rubbing together so much during pregnancy. As I enter my seventh month, I'd be happy to get my feet closer than a foot apart without tripping over my own flab.

So the idea of putting on corduroy pants this fall is about as appealing as a case of hemmorhoids as it is, but then I find out from Lileks that the Gap plans to heap insult upon my high probability of injury:

So Madonna will be the Gap spokeshag this fall. Sheís part of a campaign to make everyone wear corduroy. Apparently the new management of Gap has bet the farm on corduroy, a fabric noted for making a skirr skirr skirr sound when you walk - if your legs are too big, which they wonít be, because Madonna will not let fat people wear clothes sheís promoting. She will show up at your house and say ìtoike ëem awf, nawî in that Long-Island / English accent she has these days.

Did it occur to anyone that people do indeed think of Madonna when they think ìGap,î but only in the sense that they also think of David Letterman?

Not "only" in that sense James. Some of us also think of her in the sense that we also think of the great divide that separates the real from the fake, the intelligent from the moronic and the ex-patriot from the patriot!

Posted by insomnomaniac at July 29, 2003 9:51 AM | TrackBack