insomnomaniac

Celebrities May be Aliens in Disguise

While admitedly not the most reliable source of information I could find, the Weekly World News has an interesting list of ten ways to tell if your co-worker is an extraterrestrial, and I think it applies to so-called "activists" in Hollywood as well!

Check it out:

1. Aliens often wear huge sunglasses to hide their eyes. Most aliens have large, staring eyes that are hard to conceal. Sunglasses help them appear more normal.

(OK, was I the only one to notice Jack Nicholson wearing sunglasses on stage at the Golden Globes? And what about Woody Harrelson, he wears them everywhere...Maybe it's NOT to hide the bloodshot eyes from all the pot he's smoking)

2. Aliens have cold and clammy skin. Many aliens wear synthetic skin in order to pass themselves off as human. It's never as warm as real skin, and it often feels "slimy" to the touchy.

(I have two words for you: MICHAEL JACKSON)


3. They smell. Aliens use all manner of deodorants, perfumes, or lotions to disguise their natural scent, which is offensive to humans.

(Didn't J Lo just come out with her own perfume?)

4. They spend hours chatting on cell phones and sending e-mails. But they're not conversing with people -- they're actually transmitting data they've accumulated back to their home worlds.

(Barbra Streisand anyone? The undisputed queen of e-mail, fax and web site propaganda!)

5. Aliens have strange bodily proportions. The newest breeds of aliens attempt to imitate human appearance -- but they never quite get it right. They are like exaggerated ideas of human perfection. Their stomachs are too flat, their chests too big, their faces wrinkle-free.

(Pick a name, any name, I'm gonna throw out Goldie Hawn, she doesn't even come close to looking human anymore)

6. Aliens have strange diets. Aliens may not be able to digest most human foods. Because of this, they are limited in the types of foods they can eat, and they may become vegetarians. Watch out for people who eat a lot of melons -- that's an alien favorite.

(Raw Food Diet anyone?)

7. Aliens dance in inhuman ways. Most alien species have a completely different physiology than ours. They have the ability to move their bodies to music in a way no ordinary human can, and this results in a dancing style that is quite breathtaking.

(Madonna, Eminem, Christina Aguilliera, Brittney Spears, need I go on?)

8. Aliens do not understand Earth's sense of humor. Forget what you saw on Mork and Mindy. Aliens find it difficult to understand laughter -- even a simple knock-knock joke can throw them completely off. They might laugh at inappropriate times -- like during a funeral -- or stare blankly at the funniest jokes.

(Go ahead, watch Sean Penn's face when he finds out that he's the punch line of Saddam's latest--not even a twitch)

9. Aliens dress in oddly revealing clothes. Aliens find clothing irritates their flesh, so the less of it they wear, the more comfortable they are. They also like to keep their fake human skin exposed to air, to allow it to breathe.

(Again, any of the female celebrities fits this bill, and this might explain why male stars are so into baggy pants and going topless)

Well, at least that explains everything! They're not stupid, they're actually trying to take over the world!

Posted by insomnomaniac at January 21, 2003 12:27 PM | TrackBack